


It's Better to Burn than Fade Away

by quietdetective



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fat Shaming, M/M, Parental Abuse, Self Harm, Verbal Abuse, implied suicide, triggering content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:15:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietdetective/pseuds/quietdetective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things can be said again and again like they are right<br/>Sometimes they are true.<br/>Other times they're wrong</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> most of my stories are titled after songs if you couldn't tell

Rose once asked you if you ever wondered how it was to die. Well to be more precise she asked if you ever wondered what happened when you died. 

The question was not to be taken seriously of course. It was mainly a question asked on an uneventful summer afternoon, asked by a girl who enjoyed reading psychology books and other things online, most likely while knitting and playing with her cats. 

Dave answered with it was probably like sleeping, blackness and nothingness surrounding you till you feel overwhelmed by it. Somehow you always feel calm, finally free of the worry that came with life. 

Jade said it was probably like a party. Everyone you knew and loved was there and you got to make up for any lost time that went by. When you were all finally ready you were allowed to leave, off on another adventure in the horrible yet wonderful thing called life. 

You were unsure. You decided to say something similar to Dave’s answer, but not quite. You replied it was probably like waking up from a long nap. You might feel tired or sleepy still, but soon you were ready to get up and to leave what was once holding you back.

Rose said she believed it would be more complex. You would wake up on a moon, she pointed to you and Jade saying yours’ would be yellow and her and Dave’s would be purple. You would wake up and feel how it was to finally live. You all laughed and ended up laying on top of each other during a movie. 

To be completely honest you aren’t sure when it started. You knew you were a bit off, not being able to hold a gaze long enough without feeling the need to cry or scream, the fact you only had three friends who have stuck with you even though you were a massive douchebag and asshole to them most of the time. You could only guess it was because they were never close enough to really get the full impact. Though, you always saw it as easier for them to leave you because most of you weren’t even in the same time zone. It changed though when your thoughts, the pesky things, started becoming reality again. 

You knew you had trouble with it when you were little. Your father and friends used to avoid telling you but you found out eventually by an uncalled for insult from Dave after you beat him a fifth time in Town of Salem in one of your many skype call date things. You found out you wrote on your walls nasty things, drawing Harlequins and insults directed only at you in bright colours, colours you associated with your friends. You found out your father washed them off daily while trying his best to help, assuming you knew what you did and only ignored them. Rose questioned later why he never took you in to a therapist to try and help with the night terrors you so often had, and the other issues you had.

Now it got worse. You heard and saw things often, thinking you heard your dad shout your name multiple times in a silent house before remembering he was away on a trip. You swore you saw something crawling on the floor at night and you’d hideaway under your blanket cause maybe it’d keep you safe. You ended up sleeping more and more often with the light on, hoping to shield yourself away from things you knew were only in your mind. 

You guessed some things in your life were suspicious, but it was all okay. It was okay your father refused to take you to a doctor when you slipped on ice and hurt your arm so badly you couldn’t straighten it, saying it was fine since you could move it at all. It was okay he used to make you sit in the washroom for a long time after you started crying for what he called “no reason,” after all a time out spot was practiced by lots of parents. It didn’t matter if he would close the door and tell you, you weren’t allowed out till you stopped. It was okay that he would yell at you for what seemed to be hours when he was home before leaving for work. How he always pretended nothing happened when he came back and acted like the perfect father. What are you talking about Rose, that is definitely not child abuse, maybe neglect but hey! You were never hit so that has to count for something. You didn’t listen to Rose, or Jade, or especially Dave. They always tried to get you to call someone official, a police person or your schools councillor about what your father did. You never wanted to, believing it was only fair and he did nothing wrong. You always mentioned their own guardians’ short comings and they would shut up. Your father was in no way as bad as them, besides maybe Jade’s grandpa, even though it was because he was dead. He still left Jade all alone with only her dog.

You don’t notice when you started. You think it was the hair pulling. They knew about that but you really only did it when you were super frustrated and needed to stim. They usually tried to help get you to do something else, like squeezing something till you had to let go or something. You did it when you were alone, pulling your hair so hard you swear you would pull out chunks if you weren’t careful. (You weren’t really careful but you’d never tell anyone.)

You started to do things that really bothered you. Your friends grew even more worried and tried to keep your mind off of it. You would purposely search out things that made your throat close and make you feel like your heart was being squeeze by someone’s hand. You notice it got worse when Dave started to date someone named Karkat after you were away for a month due to a sudden trip to your cousin’s because his grandmother was sick and he needed support. Where they lived their internet was awful, so you couldn’t message your friends or anything while there. When you got back you would ignore the feeling you got, even if you knew you deserved it, acting so happy for Dave and congratulating him, only partially joking when you threatened Karkat if he hurt him. Your friends were precious and deserved nothing less than the best. 

Why were you still with them then? They definitely deserved a lot better than you and your weird ways. Dave was funny and while he pretended to be a massive douche to protect himself, he was pretty thoughtful when it came to his friends. Rose was sarcastic and tended to be a bit blunt, but she was always willing to help and was very pleasant to be around if you were close to her. Jade was overall one of the kindest person ever, but she wasn’t scared to threaten or scare anyone who would dare harm her friends. What were you compared to them? You mostly were just an asshole and teased and pranked them a ton. You tended to be oblivious to other’s feelings and could rarely emote properly. You had a ton of problems even though out of your friends your childhood was the least traumatic. That was another thing. Even after SBURB, you had no reason to be the way you are. Dave and Rose both had abusive guardians, and Jade was all on her own for most of her life. You had a dad and he was wonderful. He took care of you and everything, You had no business being the way you are. 

Really you were just happy you were able to help Dave out. Rose was determined to stay with her mother, saying it wasn’t too bad and she knew how to take care of herself. She was just too stubborn for you to get to budge. Thankfully, Dave was a lot easier. 

When you found out what Dave and his Brother’s strifes were really like, you demanded he move in with you. No room for arguments. You helped him move, convincing your dad that Dave needs somewhere to stay because his brother was bad. You were so happy when Dave moved in. You were only slightly hurt when you found out Dave moved to Washington to be closer to Karkat as well. 

It was really like a dream come true. Your best friend from miles upon miles away being just close enough to hug suddenly was the best thing in the world. You completely got that he might not like touch that much, since you didn’t really like it either, but you both were completely ready for the bestest hug in the world. You both got it, and hugged till Dave pulled away to greet Karkat and hug and kiss him, which made your heart feel ready to burst and your throat to close enough you were scared for a second you wouldn’t be able to breathe. You smiled at Karkat and greeted him, only flinching a bit when his loud voice rang through the room and reminded you of your father. 

Life wasn’t much different when Dave moved in. Sure there was another person in your life, but your father was rarely around so it was nice. Dave was loud and constantly knocked things over and hummed and everything, so you had to get used to the constant noise. It was very different compared to the near silence your house was always in before. Dave seemed fairly surprised when it was revealed your father was never home though. He seemed to think he was the shining example of the perfect parent. You tried to root for him, even if Dave and Rose talked alot about the wrong doings of your dad. It was nothing huge and they shouldn’t treat it as such. 

You didn’t recognize it was a problem till Dave pointed it out. The fact sometimes life piled up on you so much that you got to the point of throwing and breaking things in your room. You never touched Liv, the bunny you held with all the tenderness in the world after waking from a nightmare. Everything else was fair game though. When you cracked your glasses from throwing them against your dresser was when Dave finally had enough and restrained you, even as you began to struggle and demand to be let go. He tried shoosh papping you but it didn’t help. He didn’t have nearly as much practice as you did with him. You always helped after his nightmares after all. Dave was a wonderful friend of course; it was just that you didn’t let him help you as much as you helped him. You always hid when you needed help, since Dave was already going through so much he didn’t need your problems on top of it. 

You shouldn’t have been surprised when Dave started going to Karkat’s more honestly. Jade and Rose were rarely on as well, having more pressing matters to attend to then talking to you for house at a time like the old days. You found out after a couple weeks they both were dating Kanaya and you congratulated them quite happily. You were happy that your friends were finding things that made them happy. You were still sad though. You weren’t sure what to think about that honestly. You still loved them all and wanted to be the world’s best friends ever, but they all seemed a lot more interested in other things now. You were always free and never had anything better to do than to just sit and wait for your friends to finally remember your existence. You couldn’t blame them though. You knew you weren’t the most interesting person. 

One day when you were home alone you were surprised by the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. You knew it couldn’t have been Dave since he was at Karkat’s, so you braced yourself for your father. He was always a lot worse when Dave wasn’t home, since he didn’t like other people knowing how awful of a son you were. You should be thankful honestly. Dave didn’t need to know how awful you were. He already knew a lot more than he should since he lived with you now. 

You shut your computer down and got up, starting to head to bed. Maybe if he sees that you’re asleep he won’t bother and everything will be fine. Of course, nothing goes your way.

You just finished changing your clothes into your night clothes when your father came into your room, ignoring the gentlemanly thing to do and barging in without knocking. From where you stood you could see how angry he looked, so you knew you did something wrong. You couldn’t think of what, but you knew it must’ve been something super easy and you were an idiot to forget. 

“JOHNATHAN EGBERT!” You only jumped and flinched a bit when his loud voice rang through your room, trying to remember not to curl in on yourself since it only made him worse to you. You were tall and fat, and your father often told you to stand your height while belittling you for your weight. You tried to say you didn’t care, but it did hurt a bit knowing you disappointed him so. You only ever wished to make your father proud. 

“HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO REMIND YOU TO DO YOUR CHORES? DAVID NEVER HAS TO BE REMINDED AND HE IS A GUEST IN OUR HOME. HE SHOULDN’T BE DOING YOUR CHORES IN THE FIRST PLACE. WOULD YOU TREAT JUST ANYONE LIKE A MAID?” Dad yelled. 

You looked down in shame. Of course you always did your fair share, but Dave often forgot since in his own home he never had dishes or laundry to do. He and his brother never really seemed to clean or anything. You always took the blame though. Dave shouldn’t be doing chores in the first place but he insisted on helping, only to forget most of the time. Your father doesn’t know how you two are doing it, but nearly every day he gets mad at you for forgetting it was Dave’s turn. 

“I-I’m sorry. I’ll go do them now” Your voice sounds small even to you. You always tried to look and seem smaller than you are. You were big and heavy. The game was the first chance you had to feel like you were lighter than anything and able to do anything you wanted. You understood your friends’ hatred for it though.

“YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE REMINDED TO HELP OUT AROUND HERE JOHN. I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED.” Dad continued, nearly interrupting you. “IF IT WERE ANYONE ELSE I WOULDN’T HAVE EXPECTED IT BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO PREFER TO SIT ON YOUR ASS AND NEVER HELP OUT. DAVID IS OUT GUEST AND HE IS CONSTANTLY HELPING WITH THINGS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A PAGE OUT OF HIS BOOK.”

You looked down and took it, since you knew it was right. Your father had information far from the truth, but this was a regular thing. You would do one small thing wrong and it would be blown up and he made sure you knew it was wrong. He made sure you felt awful for it even if he never told you to do it. You sometimes did not do your chores, only because you were completely out of energy and spoons. Your father never accepted the excuses, since that’s what they were, excuses. You should just do your chores so he wouldn’t be upset, even if you weren’t able to pull yourself out of bed because you had no energy. You should have known. Your father was always right. 

“I-I’ll go do my chores now” You told him, looking up and trying to maintain eye contact, which you never liked to do. Your father said nothing and just watched as you walked past him without making eye contact. 

You were surprised when you came to the kitchen and Dave was in there, drinking apple juice while water for dishes ran. He was mostly the one who made them, as you often forgot to eat and you didn’t use a lot of dishes anyway. Your father had followed behind you, to make sure you did as you were told. 

“SEE SON, DAVID HAS ALREADY STARTED TO DO YOUR CHORES. YOU SHOULD KEEP THAT IN MIND,” your father said before leaving, probably heading to his room to sleep before his next shift.

“What was that about? It’s my turn.” Dave’s voice startled you, making you jumped and flinch. “Hey, are you alright? You’re like, mega jumpy.” Dave’s voice was nice and smooth, a voice you found very soothing. You shouldn’t enjoy it as much as you did, but you tried to keep the attraction mostly to yourself.

“Hehe, yeah I’m fine! My dad just thought it was my turn. Don’t worry ‘bout it!” You smiled and looked at Dave. You were about the same height, something that seemed to surprise Dave. You were considerable heavier though, being large and soft compared to Dave’s more slight frame. Since moving in with you he gained some weight though, something about frequent meals compared to most a dorito and apple juice diet. You were still a lot larger though, as you lived on cake and mostly home cooked meals while young. Lately you forgot to eat though, something that made Dave endlessly worried. You brushed it off though. You were fine.

“Sure. So what’s up? I heard yelling when I came in but I guessed it was more family stuff?” Dave asked, turning to the dishes and turning off the water. He got the hang of chores pretty fast, no matter how often he forgot about them. It was nice to see. You taught him some simple things to make and everything. 

“It was nothing Dave. Don’t worry about it. How was your day?” You asked, making sure to change the topic as quickly as you could. No need to give Dave more reasons to realize what a shit friend you were.

“...it was fine. Karkat and I hung out and went for ice cream.” Dave said slowly, obviously not wanting to change the topic so easily. You smiled and let him tell you more, ignoring the way your heart felt ready to explode when Dave talked about Karkat and other date stuff. You knew you would never be able to do such things with Dave. Getting ice cream was a chore as more places had peanuts everywhere because it was a popular topping, and you were deathly allergic to them. You were happy they were happy though. 

Dave seemed to be noticing and learning more about you and your father’s relationship over the next few weeks. He would come home earlier than expected and hear your father yelling about something. He would always question you about it, something you’ve learned to expect. You always made sure to have an excuse ready. Your father wasn’t a bad man after all. He was a great father. He just liked and wanted things done in a specific way. It also didn’t help that you started to do more worrying things. Only this time, you had no friends around to be as worried. Sure Dave was on the ready for what your father did, he didn’t seem to know you did your own fair share of awful things to yourself.

You tended to beat yourself up about the things you did poorly, even if your father wasn’t around to tell you about them. You were always told honestly was the best policy after all. You knew you should punish yourself for your wrong doings. It was quite simple. Break something you love if you got away with it. Write on the walls to make sure you didn’t forget. Pull at your hair, scratch yourself harsh enough to leave long red lines everywhere, anything to make sure you were properly punished. You even took one of the razors you were gifted by your father and slit long, things cuts along your thighs so Dave would never see. You only stopped that punishment when you cut deeper than you meant to one day and couldn’t stop the bleeding. You got blood everywhere while you freaked out and tried to stop it. You even screwed up your punishments. You made sure to clean up everything you got blood on and hid the razor away. You didn’t need others to know of you messed up one something that should be idiot proof. You guessed you were just too dumb to know how to even properly punish yourself. 

You’ve learnt why your heart and throat felt ready to close and kill you whenever Dave talked about Karkat, and you’ve tried to ignore it the best you could. It wasn’t fair to Dave to just hate his boyfriend since they were obviously very happy together. You of course noticed how your friends steadily stopped talking to you as much and soon it was a miracle to even get a message from them. Jade had moved in with Rose after much begging from the girl, Jade and Rose and Kanaya were all very happy together. Dave was out most of the time with Karkat and was only home in time to hear your father be upset with you. Some nights you didn’t even see him. It was fine though. You’re friends found people who made them happy and that’s all that mattered. You just had to get up and try to find someone yourself. It was of course hard to accept that your friends most likely replaced you, but you tried not to mind. As long as they were happy with how things were going in their lives than it didn’t matter how you felt. Sure you felt like you wanted to just curl up and sleep forever sometimes, but it didn’t matter. It was probably normal once you realized you were probably replaced.

It only fell apart a few weeks later.

Dave apparently came home a lot earlier one night, early enough that he was able to get to your room to hear your father yell that you were a useless sack of fat and that you should be working on losing weight and being more like Dave than sitting around on the computer all the time. Dave didn’t come in until your father left to his own room. Things had been heating up in the worst way possible. Dave seemed more and more critical of your father and tried to deflect things he said. You always told him you didn’t mind since you really didn’t, You should know the truth and if the truth hurt then so be it.

“John. Dude,” Dave’s voice made you flinch and jump away from his hand when he tried to reach out and reassuringly pat your shoulder. He looked so hurt but he took his hand back. “Your dad is not good for you to be around. Honestly I’m surprised I haven’t even noticed how bad things were till recently. C’mon I wanna take you to Karkat’s till we can find a more permanent place.” 

You quickly shook your head, finding the plan horrible. “No Dave! We can’t just intrude on Karkat! I’m fine! My dad is fine!” You said, a bit louder than you originally meant to. But you were fine! Dave was just looking for something that wasn’t there.

“No Egbert. We gotta get you outta here. Honestly how can you think anything he said was an okay thing? Rose was telling me that some of the stuff you told her was iffy but I didn’t believe it till I started hearing him screaming at you regularly” Dave looked at you like he couldn’t believe you thought any of that was okay. It was though! Your father was always right. Even if it was nice to try and think maybe he wasn’t, you knew he was. You didn’t know why Dave was so determined to try and say he wasn’t. 

“No Dave! My dad is right! Can we just drop this? I’ll go make you something to eat and we’ll just ignore this!” You tried to tell him, but he scoffed at your words and it only hurt a little.

“John. Stop. We gotta talk about this now. Why would you think any of that was okay? Has he always been like this? Should i fucking, call the police or something? Has he physically abused you in anyway? Fuck John. Please just talk to me” 

“Dave please I’m fine! My dad is right, alright?” You don’t know what you’d do if he wasn’t. Your father’s words were always right. Never hope and you’ll be okay. You hoped for Dave to love you as much as you loved him and he didn’t. You hoped for Dave, Jade and Rose to remember you long enough to just chat like old times but it never happened. If you didn’t hope than you would’ve been saved from the hurt you felt over it. Why couldn’t Dave understand? Your father was always right and tried to get you to understand as well. If you didn’t hope and plan and everything; you wouldn’t feel the hurt or get sad when things didn’t go through.

“God, John. Please. Can we just, go to Karkat’s, sleep there, and if you still feel like this we’ll come back okay-” 

“NO!” You nearly screamed it, trying so hard to get Dave to understand. “My dad is right! I’m a fat useless sack of fat; I’m too dumb to do anything! Everyone leaves me because I’m not good enough! Dave! If he’s wrong than I don’t know what is right! What even would be right!? If this isn’t than what is?” You were nearly crying, something that surprised both of you. You never cried. Not even in the game when your father died. Not even when you found out all your friends were dead and you had to meet everyone again and they were different. You were supposed to be the strong one. So why was liquid daring to leave your wide blue eyes as you desperately tried to get Dave to understand!

“John calm down!” Dave looked frantic, looking unsure of where to step, what to do to help your state and not make it worse. 

“No! I-I” You furiously rubbed your eyes, feeling your breath start to shorten as you breathed to fast and too shallowly. You have to leave. You have to leave but not with Dave. “I-I’m going for a walk” You were fast enough that Dave was still trying to understand what you said by the time you got to the door and put your shoes on. 

“JOHN!” You nearly faltered when you heard the yell, sounding so similar to your father that you bolted. You needed to leave. You need to get away. You know Jade and Rose and Kanaya are happy together and probably long since forgot about you. You know Dave and Karkat are both happy together and Dave doesn’t need you anymore. Your father was right. You’re worthless and only make problems for others. You should try to fix this one the way he told you once.

You heard that the water at the bridge looked lovely this time of year. 

It’s better to leave than be replaced.


	2. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With John gone, Dave is left in the dust and must think over his, and their friends', decisions over the past few months.

You know for a fact that you shouldn’t be around. You tried to take your own life. You thought you were successful, so you don’t understand why there’s so much yelling and the sound of someone crying so close. You thought the afterlife was supposed to be quiet and peaceful. This was far from it. 

Be Dave Strider.

You were rushing after your best bro when your phone rang. You thought you knew where the other was going, hoping you were wrong, so you answered the ringing.   
“Yo babe” You said, acting as if nothing wrong was happening. As if part of your world wasn’t trying to rip itself away and make you be missing part of what helped keep you whole.

“STRIDER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU I JUST SAW JOHN RUNNING LIKE NO TOMMOROW AND I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU WERE PROBABLY THE LAST TO SEE HIM. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE THIS MESS BETTER NOT THIS” Came the screeching of one Karkat Vantas. You knew he meant well. The man refused to admit how much he actually cared, until it seemed it was too late.

“Hey hey hey. I am, was, ah fuck it. I fucked up big time with him. I was trying to help him out and he flipped out and ran. I think I know where he’s going, but I gotta go unless you wanna hear my heavy breathing” 

Karkat made a noise of anger before seeming to be trying to compose himself. Huh. Maybe he did care more for John than he wanted to admit. “JUST HELP HIM. HE DOESN’T DESERVE HALF THIS SHIT.” Then Karkat hung up. 

You got the message and raced off after John. 

How this all started happening was not a happy story. First John saved you from being under the care of your horribly abusive Bro, with the help of his father paying most of your expenses. Then you found out John was getting a hefty helping of abuse alongside his cake. You never thought his dad would be like that. Even with the dubious information John provided you with before your move, you imagined the man as the figure head of what all dads hoped to be. Instead you found out he was an emotionally abusive dickhead. He was unnecessarily hard on his only son and seemed to compare him to you a lot. You didn’t understand why. 

That didn’t matter though. It didn’t matter when time was something you didn’t have. You could maybe slow it, but that slowed you as well. You’ve seen John occasionally float, or blow things gently around when he thought he was alone. The sight was always breath taking. You liked being able to see John when he didn’t look so serious or so sad. Even when he forced a smile on his face, there was always something that made your heart ache and want to reach to him and hold him close. When he thought he was completely alone and let the weight off his shoulders long enough to relax. You only ever saw that look when he was asleep. You hated how he always thought he had to be the strong one. You hated it in the game and you hated it now. You all had your weak moments. John just forced his down so he could be the rock you all needed. One of the shining things that reminded you all why you didn’t just give up; why you wouldn’t just let English win. You know Jade and Rose both would do anything to try and help John as well. They assumed the timelines were the same; John’s just had everyone die on him. 

You guess that was another problem. You all never tried to actually talk to the man. You just assumed it all. Assumed you knew what was best, not considering all the years John must’ve lived through his father’s abuse and conditioning. Assumed that John was the same one that Jade lost, never thinking of the trauma of seeing all your friends dead around you and condemning yourself in another timeline for dead. 

Never did you guys think of the fact that in his timeline he spent three years with two people he only ever talked to online, one being someone who only antagonized him after losing him for three months. You all never thought of it. Jade told of her own struggles as she was forced to be isolated with no one but sprites and consorts around her. Rose was there for her, helping her through the trauma of being Grimbark. You all were helping Jade, none of you thinking of John.

For god’s sake, you at least should’ve been there for him. You know how it is, going through different timelines, seeing them die, trying to make it stable and able to flourish. Instead you assumed. You should’ve known better. 

Now you were paying for it, it seemed. John ran away and it was up to you to find him, and bring him home safe. Wrap him up in a ton of blankets and put on one of his favorite movies. It won’t make up for you being a terrible friend, but maybe it was a start. You just wished it didn’t end up like this.

You ran towards the bridge, one of the first destinations John took you to when you came in. He always liked it, saying it was one of the beautiful places in town and it was. The water looked beautiful and it was windy, something you knew John himself appreciated. He liked having things that reminded him of the freedom he had in the game. You hated your powers if you were to be honest, but you knew John loved his. You could only ever smile when John talked about them, some of the only times he would ever smile like he meant it. You were sad when you thought of how little you saw that smile nowadays. 

That was the thing though, it seemed. You guys never noticed how your friend needed help, you couldn’t even recall the last time he actually smiled, a true smile instead of a fake one meant to trick you all into thinking he was fine. You were sad to admit it worked. You never noticed when his smile turned sad or when it stopped being true at all.

So you ran. You ran as fast as you could towards the bridge, not knowing how much time you wasted reminiscing and talking to Karkat. Hopefully it wasn’t too late. You’d never forgive yourself.

When you got to the bridge, you could see a dark figure running away from it, something that surprised you. John was nowhere to be found, so the figure had to be him. What was he planning? You couldn’t say but you were happy your last memory of him wasn’t of him falling over the edge to his death. You started after him, trying to refrain from yelling his name. John hadn’t reacted well the last time you tried to do that. 

You took a deep breath, staring at John, wanting to run over, grab him, and just hug him, make all the pain go away with your touch. That wouldn’t work though. You slowly stepped forward, and again. You took a deep breath again, closer, close enough you could hear John’s heavy breathing as he stared at the water. 

“John”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. I plan on trying to wrap up this fic. The second chapter was supposed to be a huge one as well, but I decided to break it up so it's easier to read, and easier on me to upload.


End file.
